What If A Series of Shorts
by MissDevon
Summary: some recently found old stories m some new "AU" stories based on "Classic Eps" airing on Soapzone and knowing where they go dealing mainly with of course Natalie, Jolie, and the Buchs, with Star, Antonio, Talia, TnT  TSJ , Gabs, & others along 4 the ride
1. Chapter 1

The Appointment

John was shimmering with something between disappointment and anger as he slammed the door to his apartment and watched as Natalie collapsed onto the couch and into herself. He couldn't believe that a crank call to the Family Clinic had brought him face to face with Natalie and Gigi, with Natalie there for an appointment to have an abortion. Now he needed answers….  
>"Damnit Natalie! What were you thinking? Were you really going to do <em>that <em>without even telling me?"

Natalie swallowed uncomfortably and looked at the floor: "it's more complicated than that," she somehow managed to get out, wondering how she was going to explain how she had been contemplating an abortion of what could or could not be his child to the man she loved with all her heart.

"Didn't you want- don't you want?" he floundered as he paced the room, stopping as abruptly as he shot out the words to look at her in confusion; this had been something they had once talked about wanting and planning on.

"Of course I do!" she replied without thinking as her head shot up reflexively, her eyes filled with tears of shame.

"Then why?" John demanded as she came to stand over her. "Because it's so soon after Marty lost my baby?" he asked as he lowered himself onto the coffee table, confused and no longer able to stand.

"If it were only that simple!" she sighed, the looked him defeatedly. "You know I do stupid things when I'm hurt, John. I was hurt when I though you read when my letter and discarded not only it, but me as well."

It took a moment for her meaning to sink in: "are you telling me that the baby you're carrying isn't mine?" he demanded.

"I'm telling you that I don't know if it is. I'd sobered up by the time you and I met up at the airport, John."

"He took advantage of you."

Natalie shrugged: "It was comfort sex," she said bluntly, not allowing him to give her a complete free pass. "For both of us. Admittedly I was the more drunk of the two… but… well, it happened."

"Who Natalie?"

"Does it matter?"

"If he turns out to be the father and not me he's going to be a part of our lives," John pointed out in a sad, but rational voice, not quite believing they were having this conversation.

Natalie shook her head and answered adamantly: "No he won't.  
>It was a one night stand.<p>

We promised we wouldn't tell anyone.  
>We can't.<br>It would hurt too many people."

John gritted his teeth: "please tell me we're not talking about who I'm thinking about."

"John…."

"It was Brody, wasn't it?" he asked bluntly.

"Yes, it was. I went to say goodbye.  
>I was drunk.<br>He was drunk.  
>I thought we were over.<br>He thought he and Jess were over.  
>I was going to leave for London.<br>I promised not to tell... only then I found out I was pregnant…"

John exhaled: "What's the discrepancy?" he asked, trying to be tactful.

"A week."

John nodded: "for his information, should he asked, because it's damned well known of his business, a day. He never has to know, _no one does."_

"John?"

"We weren't together. If I'm pissed at anything it's that you thought you couldn't tell me what you were going through. Couldn't trust me enough to discuss this with me to help me make this decision."

"John, it wasn't just you I was worried about finding out.  
>Telling.<br>If Jessica was to find out, especially since she's pregnant too and she's so high risk…. If something happens, I'm afraid of what she's capable of," Natalie admitted.

"I won't let her hurt you or _our _baby," John told her confidently as he got up and crossed to her, pulling her into his arms.

"John it might…"

"Hey, listen to me… I don't know how, but in my heart I know this is _our _child. The one I once dreamed of us having together."

"The little boy with dark hair and blue eyes?" Natalie asked looking up and smiling at him.

"Yeah."

"He have a name in this dream?" Natalie asked.

"No," John smirked, "But I seem to remember you once telling Bre she almost had a cousin named JJ, but I have to admit I am really not fond of the idea of a John Jr." he admitted.

Natalie laughed: "Was thinking more of Jude Thomas at the time."

"Could be convinced of that. Any other ideas?" he asked as he snuggled closer to her.

"Benjamin Asa?"

"Why am I not surprised?" he asked with a slight laugh.

"You got something better?" she asked as she put a hand on his chest and pushed up to looked at him in the face.

"We have seven months to figure it out don't we?"

"Yeah. We do."

"And I'll be watching to make sure you don't do anything stupid."

"John, remember this is me you're talking too."

"Natalie…" he sighed with some exasperation. "I won't endanger the baby."

"_Our _baby."

"Our baby. But I won't be wrapper in a bubble. I'll follow doctor's orders. I follow uncle Bo's at work."

John smirked at that: "technically, I out rank you."

"So I'll do the paperwork. They'll put me on desk duty once I tell Bo anyway," she shrugged off the comment.

"So we have a plan?" he asked her.

"Except how to handle Brody," she sighed, then paused.

"Ok, tell me what's going on in that pretty brain of yours. I can see the wheels turning," John told her.

"I can just tell him the month I'm due, not the exact date, besides, it's not an exact science especially this early on and with that close of a gap. It's not like I slept with him one month and you another- God, I sound like a slut!"

"You're not one.  
>Again, we weren't together.<br>They weren't together.  
>You were both drunk.<br>You made a mistake.  
>Thank god I was able to keep you from compounding it, I mean, I don't understand why you did this," he wondered, "I'd like to understand why."<p>

"I panicked John, and when I panic I do stupid things unless you talk me down. Believe me I'm glad you were there to talk me down tonight.  
>Having that abortion would've been the biggest mistake of my life."<p>

"Believe me, Natalie, I'm just as glad. Nothing is going to stop us from having the family we always talked about. The one we dreamed about.  
>Now come on.<br>Let's go to bed.  
>I want to hold you and let you know just how much I love you."<p>

"I think I can handle that."

"And when it doesn't seem like it's just about the baby… when you're not expecting it, my mom's ring is coming out of the safe and going on your finger," he added as he stood and helped her to her feet.

"That your way of proposing, McBain?"

"Oh, when I propose, you won't have to ask, Buchanan. You'll know for sure this time. No assumptions. No one else giving you the ring. Done the right way. Your dad's permission. Your uncle's. All my love and hope for the future."

"And you will have a yes as an answer and all my love and hope for the future as well," she replied as she rose on her toes to kiss him passionately.

As he pulled away he laughed: "I really did mean to just lie down and rest."

"Yeah, like that ever happens with us," she said pulling him towards their bedding room, causing him to chuckle as he followed her, believing in their future and love.


	2. Forever

_**What Forever Feels Like **_

Do I know what forever feels like?

Of course I do.  
>Forever is the time it takes for the man you're falling in love with to disarm the bomb that a madman has strapped to your chest.<p>

It's the time you spend lying on the floor, bleeding out from a wound caused by glass flying through the air during a tornado. It takes for him to plead with you to take another breathe before he covers your mouth and gives you his own.

Forever is the time spent lying in living graves- this room or Haver's pit- waiting for someone to figure out where you are and come save you.

Forever is standing by his side as he fights his demons and waiting for him to say and not take it back because he's afraid.

Forever is a thing destroyed by opening the door to find Uncle Bo standing there.  
>It's a blackened St. Jude's medal.<br>A returned ring.  
>A dying hope, because even though you love each other, you're killing each other.<p>

Forever is something unattainable.

A dream lost and replaced while settling for something much, much less.

And even as Jared wraps his arms around me. Leads me to the bed and walks back to me, offering to trade his life for mine I can't help crying.  
>Crying for Jess and her children.<br>Crying for Jared because he has no clue that he is'nt my forever even though he seems to believe that I am his.  
>Crying for Nash who lost his stolen forever.<br>Crying because I know what forever felt like and this is far from it.

Forever is unrealized dreams of a dark haired, blue eyed, little boy named Johnny.  
>A little red headed girl whose name we never got around to picking out.<br>Another baby on the way.

Forever is a family that never existed playing a game of pool at Rodi's before heading to the safety of their home.

So, I have to fight what Jared is saying to make a point. Maybe he's not my forever, but he is my right now.  
>All I have.<br>All I'll ever have.

Because forever is a dream unattainable.  
>Forever is never forever.<p>

I knew what forever was, not that Tess would care.

Forever was making Grandpa proud and living up to his legacy.  
>Forever was loving Mom and believing that she loved me.<br>Forever was having Uncle Bo there for me when I needed him.  
>Forever was being Rex's big sister and watching him transform- grow up.<br>Forever was being Roxy's daughter and watching her be well, Roxy.  
>Forever was trying to be worthy of Clint's love and always falling just short.<br>Forever was being Jamie's Titi Natalie and being there for her even when you walked away. It was caring about the Vegas and stayingfriends with Chris and Antonio no matter how incestuous things became.

Forever was feeling the lost of John.  
>Burying him and the hope of a life together.<br>It was finding out that he was alive. Hearing "I love you" for the first time.  
>Hearing that he came back for me.<p>

Forever was gone just as fast, just as amazingly, because we'd changed and so did forever.

It had become no regrets.  
>Forever- forever is a dream that will never come true for any of us.<p>

So yeah, Tess, I know what forever is.  
>Once upon the time I fought for it. Believed I could get it and hold onto it.<br>But I lost it, just like you.  
>But I'll stand here, and I'll lie about where my forever lies. I'll let Jared hold me and comfort me and allow your crazed mind to think that he's my forever, even if on some level you know he's not. (Why the dynamite bomb if you don't know the truth? Why the show of memories of Nash falling when you shouldn't have been there. Shouldn't know.<br>Because Jess was supposed to be in control and not you.)  
>But I'll play along.<br>I'll let your crazed mind, whether you're Tess or Jess just pretending to be Tess so you can get off, think he's my forever.

You can believe that the dreams you are stealing from me are ones I would've shared with him, because I can't allow myself to believe that he no longer believes in the dream of forever we once shared.

How stupid were we to believe that they were only dreams deferred till we were ready to reclaim them.

So, that's it. It's over.

When its Jared's arms wrapped around me on that bed and we're a waiting the end of this particular forever, I'll be pretending its John's arms around me as he whispers teasing words in my ears while we watch our children play nearby.

So, Tess, yes.  
>Most definitely yes.<br>I know what forever is.  
>It just seems we have different definitions of it.<br>Different ideas on how it's lost.

Well, Tess, I lost mine long before you did, but I'll never let you know because at least then a part of my forever will survive.

Yeah, I know what forever was; only I was too stupid to hang onto it and isn't living with that knowledge torture enough?


	3. For it All

**For It All**

She wasn't some fragile flower who swooned at the first sign of trouble. That was her sister, at least that was what her mind told her as she watched the woman in front of her.

For some reason her mind couldn't comprehend what was going on around her. She couldn't pull her eyes away from her sister- or at least the woman who looked like her sister. Their was no restraint in the other woman's eyes nor was there any sign of remorse or empathy. "You're not Jessica," Natalie managed to get out.

"Well fancy that. The red headed trap buys a clue," the blonde said evenly.

Natalie exhaled, trying to mentally adapt to the situation she found herself in. Jared laid on the ground five floors below and she could hear the chaotic noise of spectators mixing with sirens now. It was something she had blocked out. A series of sounds she had become used to when she was with John. When she had worked on the force. "They'll be coming up to check on things here, Tess. What do you want to happen? Do you want them to think that I tried to kill Jared? That he decided to kill himself?" she asked, her voice breaking, even as she tried to remain calm, but there was no way she could restrain her emotions as she faced down her sister's alter.

"There's a lot of things, I want, Natalie," Tess said as she ran the muzzle of her gun along her cheekbone. "But I'll never have them because of Jarass and you, Fatalie."

"Is was an accident. Nash was coming after me and Jared just reacted," Natalie tried to rationalize.

"No. No. No... you don't get to make excuses. Not to me. Now, my elitist host, she might have bought it. But I won't. You hated Nash because he made me happy. You wanted her with Antonio."

Natalie swallowed back tears: "at first," she admitted not wanting to agitate Tess any more. "But I knew after a while that Nash was the one for Jess. We all started to get along. I mean when she was so sick and dying. . . it was easy to see that she needed him."

"She didn't need him! I needed him! She stole him from me. She stole my baby from me!"

"She's the dominate personality!" Natalie yelled back. "You took over her life not the other way around."

"Well, little miss know it all, its too bad that she let me out again because unlike her I have the guts to do this, and I'll get away with it," Tess laughed as she pointed the gun at her target. "I'll let them think the integration worked. Pretend to be sorry. Act the part of elitist snob. Then. . . when I have them all fooled and I'm able to slip away, I'll stop at your grave and spit on it and have a nice dance. Bye-bye now," she said as she pulled the trigger.

Staggering backwards at the shots hitting her in the chest, Natalie fell back. She couldn't fight the pain even as she heard the door swing open and familiar, if distant footsteps and voices coming towards them. She couldn't help but think it was too late as she felt herself give into the darkness and fall into another realm. . .

_"There provisions made for this in the contracts," Natalie sighed as she stood at the stove and dropped the contains of a box of spaghetti into the pot containing boiling water. "Well, what would you like me to do about it now, Kevin? No, you handle it. That's why you're the CFO. . . Because I'm on leave. . . don't start, big brother. I might be bigger than a house right now, but I can still kick your ass. . ." pausing Natalie laughed: "You are so not good for my blood pressure, you know that?. . . right, just remember who got the company back from Dorian's grubby hands."_

_"And in such good form too," a voice said from behind her, causing her to spin around and drop the phone into the pot._

_Laughing, Kevin hung up his own phone and walked crossed the kitchen. "Remind me why they let you cook," he asked as he gave his sister a hug._

_"You ever taste John's cooking?" Natalie asked with a good natured roll of her eyes as she stepped back and then hit him in the chest: "I wouldn't have dropped it if you didn't just show up unannounced."_

_"Yeah, like I was going to let my little sister give birth without me here?"_

_Natalie rolled her eyes as she went to shut off the burner on the stove: "you still owe me a new phone."_

_Kevin laughed as he shook his head: "How are you? Really?"_

_"Well, as usual chaos reigns supreme at Casa McBain. Cole and Star are at it again, so we have temporary full custody of Tricia again."_

_"Just what you need, a three year old to chase."_

_"Chasing her isn't the problem. Dealing with Cole, Star, Todd and Blair is- and not in that order."_

_"Kelly and I will pitch in."_

_"I think the restraining order against Blair will be more helpful."_

_Kevin went to sit on a chair by the counter: "what she do now?"_

_"Apparently she thinks that since I'm so far along John was in the need of companionship. Made sure I walked in on it."_

_"What did you do?"_

_"Dragged her off of him by her hair and threw her half dressed self out on the street. Antonio was just pulling up with Talia so he made sure she was escorted- to the police station for indecent exposure and harassment."_

_"Don't get her started, please," John said as he came into the room, a baby in his arms. "She gets too much fun out of that story."_

_"At your expense of course," Kevin said with a straight face. "So how's this guy doing?"_

_"Ben is fine," Natalie responded, a smile crossing her face._

_"Better than his parents apparently. What is your phone doing in our dinner?" John asked, a perplexed look on his face._

_"Surprise visitor."_

_"Tell uncle Kevin he's paying for the takeout," John told his son as he handed him off to the man in question. "I'll go pick something up from the Diner."_

_"Really?" Natalie asked._

_"Carlotta has a list of what you can and can't have," he reminded her as he kissed her nose. "Don't get your hopes up."_

_"Spoilsport."_

_"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bree and Junior are watching a movie and Langston should be back with Tricia in half an hour. If she's not. . ."_

_"Call Tonio and he'll go get her," Natalie finished for him. "I know. I have done this before."_

_"Hmm," he said as he kissed her cheek. "Behave. Don't need your blood pressure going up. I don't need that kind of a scare again."_

_"I'll make sure she goes and sits down," Kevin replied amused. "Know how to take care of women in high risk pregnancies. Besides, looks like I need to get in practice."_

_Natalie squealed in delight at his words: "you mean. . ."_

_"Yeah."_

_John shook his head: "yeah. You're going to be real good at keeping my wife calm with news like that."_

_"Go. I'm hungry. So are the kids," she admonished turning her attention to her husband and kissing him on the cheek._

_Smirking, John pulled her towards him and gave her a deeper kiss: "I'm not restraining myself because you get embarrassed when your relatives are here."_

_"Since when am I the one who gets embarrassed?" Natalie shot back and pulled his head back down for another kiss, while Kevin got up and walked into the living room to check on his other niece and nephew._

_Pulling back and looking down at her John smiled: "who'd thought that we'd have it all?"_

_"Do we have it all McBain?" Natalie asked._

_"Only if you come back for me," he said stiffly. "Same as I came back for you."_

_"John?" she asked, watching as things started to shift, and grow foggy._

_"Come back to me Natalie. Don't leave me. Not like this."_

_"John. . ." she said again, a touch of panic in her voice as the world blurred even more and she felt herself slipping into another realm._

"Natalie, don't you dare do this to me, you hear me?" John McBain demanded as he sat next to Natalie's hospital bed and listened to the decreasing intervals of her breathes and the missed beeps on the monitor.

A week after she was shot he, Rex, and Antonio still the only ones keeping vigil, her so called family too busy and worried about Jessica and her split with reality and Roxy too busy with Charlie and his grief over Jared's death to be bothered.

"You really care?" Kevin Buchanan asked as he stepped into the room.

"Like you do?" John challenged. "A week before you show up and you expect me to what? Step aside so you can pretend to care about your sister?"

Kevin glared at John: "No one bothered to tell me that Natalie was one of Tess's victims. I knew that she had killed Jared, but until I was sitting in the courtroom today and heard what charges she was being arraigned on I didn't. . ." he shook his head and looked over to his sister's prone form. "Michael said the infection's bad."

"She's been talking to Asa and Ben on and off," John admitted. "Then she stopped. What she saids doesn't make a lot of sense. She's talking to me about things. . . I just go along. So did Antonio. That stopped yesterday. I don't know where she is right now. How to get through to her and that scares the hell out of me. At least when she was talking I could pretend there was a chance."

"She's a Buchanan. There's always a chance," Kevin said as he moved to take his sister's hand in his. "Hey, Natalie. You need to wake up now. You hear me? We need to make a plan. . . The two real Buchanan's taking back what's ours. Doing exactly what Asa taught us. You know I can't do it alone. I need my baby sister by my side.  
>And this guy. As much as he pretends he doesn't need you. He does. I can see it Natalie. Don't go softly into that good night."<p>

"Don't give her ideas," John chided as he came over and took Natalie's other hand in his, Antonio and Rex quietly entering the room, having received calls from Mike that their wasn't much time. Catching sight of them, John swallowed and looked down at the woman who held his heart. "I wish I had that St. Jude's medal right now. Seems, Mike thinks this is an impossible cause," he somehow managed to get out as he wiped hair out of Natalie's face. "But you are impossible. You beat the odds. You fight.

Don't you dare give up, Natalie.

You fight and come back to me, just like I came back for you. You hear me. I made provisions for you just being my friend. Never for you not being there. For you dying. I'm not that strong, Natalie. I need you too much." he admitted as he put his head down on her chest and started to cry.

Startled, Kevin stepped back and looked at the other two men in surprise. What he saw there shocked him. "No. . . she is not going to die," Kevin said with conviction.

"Why? Because Jess can't be a killer. Oh, wait her psycho alter did it so she's not to blame, right?" Rex put out.

"Only thing is the mayor's not letting Nora prosecute and the DA in charge isn't buying that 3 members of the same family suffer from DID," Antonio put in. "And considering she was only diagnosed with a nervous breakdown after losing Megan they really aren't buying it."

"Not to mention that the doctor's from St. Anne's are going to testify that she faked being Tess a while ago."

"There goes her defense."

"It doesn't matter. Natalie's too strong to die. Not like this," Kevin said simply. "She's going to show them all. We're going to get the company back. She'll prove herself that way."

John looked up and glared at Kevin: "is that all you Buchanans think about? That damned company? She gets better and she's not going back."

"And she'll what? Play little woman to you? I don't think so, McBain. My sister's too smart to play your games again."

"I love her."

"Only when she's in critical condition."

"You don't decide what Natalie's life is like."

"And neither do you."

"Excuse me, but. . ."

"But of you need to stop," a hoarse voice said, causing them to turn their attention to the woman in the bed. "I make my own decisions.

I already know what my future holds.

I saw it.

Its what I came back for."

Leaning over her, tears glistening in his eyes, John asked: "and what did you come back for."

"For you. For Kevin. For it all. . ."


	4. Beer and Conversation

**Beer and Conversation**

Natalie sat at a closed Rodi's spinning the bottle of beer she held in her hands as she watched John lean against the stocked shelves across from her as he drank from his own bottle. "How'd we get here again?" she wondered as she brought her bottle up to her lips.

"Damned if I know," he replied with a smirk as he leveled away from the counter and went to throw away his bottle. "Want another?"

"Sure. Why not?" Natalie shrugged as she slid him her empty bottle. "Why here and not the roof?" she asked him.

Not looking up at her he muttered an answer of "too cold.'

"Too… oh hell no! You did not do Blair Witch on _our_ roof!"

"Technically…"

"Don't even, John!"

"You telling me you didn't do Banks up there?" he asked her as he slid her a new bottle.

"Umm… let me think," she started sarcastically. "Hell no! That was _our _place!"

"Yeah, well, it's not like it was the same," he told her as he took his place across from her up again.

"Oh really?" she asked as she brought the bottle to her lips.

"It was just…"

"Just what?" she spit out.

"Sex," he admitted. "That ok with you?"

Sipping her beer, she cocked her head to the side and took his measure: "doesn't make it ok. But I'll deal."

"Like you have a choice?"

Natalie rolled her eyes: "so what's going on with you two anyway?"

"Nothing."

"Riiight."

"She slept with Manning. Told her if she continued with the games with him that was it," he admitted grudgingly.

"Puh-lease. If it was just sex you wouldn't give a damn," she pushed.

"Maybe I don't want anything she could be carrying," John threw back at her.

"Should of thought of that one before you slept with her the first dozen times," she shot back with a sweet smile before taking a swig of her beer, causing him to spit out the mouthful he had just taken. "Come on. Tell the truth. Your decision has more to do with the whole Marty/Wes thing, doesn't it?"

"I'm not a cop anymore," he told her gruffly as he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Well it wouldn't be the first time your trying to get Marty of a murder rap broke up your relationship."

"She wasn't why we broke up."

"She certainly didn't help."

John shook his head as he gulped down the rest of his beer. "So what's up with you and Banks?" he decided to ask, hoping to distract her from his entanglements.

Natalie shrugged: "not really sure. He claims long hours at his so called new job…" she told him as she started playing with her now empty beer bottle.

"But…" he asked, knowing she wasn't telling him everything.

"Company's never heard of him."

"Idiot," John bit out.

"Hey, at least he figured out I didn't write that letter and was in trouble," Natalie pointed out. "Thanks for that one, by the way."

"I was distracted."

"Yeah, by St. Marty the not so dead martyr," she groused.

"How many times do you want me to apologize for that, Natalie?"

"You know, once would be nice."

"You know…"

"'I'm not good with words.' Yeah, yeah, yeah. Think I've heard that one a few million times."

John shook his head with slight amusement. "I think you need to be cut off."

"That's not what I _need_," she shot back sweetly.

Gulping at her meaning, he chuckled slightly: "then why are you still wearing his ring?'

"Hell if I know!"

"Why'd you say yes?"

"Because he asked? Because it's what people expected after we got out of the room? To prove a point? Take your pick, because I don't know and I don't particularly care at the moment!" she answered with slight embarrassment.

John stared at her in surprise: "would any of those have been the only reason?"

"You're a real prick, you know that?" Natalie shot back annoyance clear in her voice.

"So you have a tendency of pointing out. And I know that wouldn't have been…"

"Then why ask?"

"Maybe I just needed to hear the words."

"There were a hell of a lot of words that I needed to hear that _you_ never said."

"You knew them anyway," he shrugged.

"Just like you already knew the answer to that stupid question."

"So where does that leave us?" he wondered aloud.

"You taking Blair or Marty back into your bed?"

"You taking off Banks ring?"

Smirking, Natalie pushed off the stool and to her feet as she pulled off her engagement ring and tossed it into an empty ashtray.

"Nice tip."

"That's not the tip," Natalie remarked cheekily as she rounded the bar to stand next to him. "Where to?"

He smirked as he took in her mood and stance as he decided to take her up on her challenge: "How about I get you over your fear of basements?"

"How… I'm killing Gigi!"

John laughed at her outrage: "well, if she hadn't of let that little tidbit slip I wouldn't have put a little something down there in storage."

"Like you knew I'd- we'd- be doing this. Or was that your plan? Lure me here and get me drunk!"

"On beers? Give me a little bit credit than that. I wanted to get you drunk it would've been tequila."

"Oh, please I can drink you under a table!"

"We'll test that out another night. For now, I want you on a certain other table."

"Excuse me?" Natalie asked, fringing indignation.

John indicated the pool tables in the corner of the bar with a swipe of his hands: "those are new. Ours is downstairs."

"Such a romantic," Natalie laughed.

"So?"

"Well, it just might be worth the fear."

"I'll keep the boogie man away," he reassured her.

"I thought you were the boogie man in this equation," she her teasing turning into a squeal as he pulled her into his arms and started kissing her neck.

"Well, the monsters anyway."

"Mmmm… so tempting."

"You don't know half of what I have in store for you."

"Well, I guess you'll just have to show me."

"With pleasure…"


	5. stream

_**Stream of Consciousness**_

I remember rising to my own loneliness. The fear of solitude; the need for more.

I remember reaching out to you only to be faced with a turned back.

I remember dreaming of resurrection mingled in a marriage of minds to redemption.  
>A life filled with hopes yet to be obtained and dreams yearning to be fulfilled.<p>

I remember loving you and you loving me….

So what went wrong, for us to be standing here at a crossroads a list of what ifs and names never discussed floating in shambled pieces on the wind of change; flying away with shattered dreams crystalizing into a mosaic of hurt and pain inflicted on each other.

I remember it tall.  
>That once I thought: "here is home" when I saw you.<br>Now all I see are rented stones of blue when I look into your eyes before they're averted and it's your back staring back at me, at a crossroads where names on stones are a reminder in a flood lit night that while heaven might have waited our love didn't, and our time passed us by so swiftly that we were still moving in the dance we created as we played out our parts as a spot light faded to a smoke filled haze and we became blasé about what we shared.

I remember better.  
>I remember loving you and you loving me.<br>I remember it all and I will one day remember having nothing at all…  
>nothing but renter topaz and a back turned to me, a dimming diamond on my finger…<br>a dying hope in my heart; the Phoenix burning in the fires of anger and hurt, knowing there will be no resurrection this time.


End file.
